To the women who tell me they don’t want to “lift heavy” because they’re afraid they’ll “bulk up” — let me just say this upfront:

I have been actively trying to bulk up for years.

I lift heavy. I eat enough. I prioritize protein. I train with intention. And I promise you — it does not happen easily.

If getting bulky were that simple, every woman who accidentally picked up a dumbbell would be walking around looking like a professional bodybuilder. That’s just not how physiology works.

So let’s talk honestly about strength training, muscle, body composition, and why so many women have been misled about what it actually takes to be lean, strong, and healthy.

The Myth of “Toned” (And Why It’s Not a Real Thing)

Most women will say they want to look toned, lean, or defined — not muscular.

Here’s the truth: those words don’t describe different outcomes. They describe the same outcome, just framed in language that feels more socially acceptable for women.

What people call “toned” is simply:

Adequate muscle mass
Lower (but not too low) body fat

That’s it.

There is no special type of exercise that creates “long, lean muscle.” Muscle is muscle. You either build it or you don’t.

And building it requires you to leave behind a lot of outdated ideas about how women “should” eat and exercise — because those ideas are not going to get you where you think you want to go.

Muscle Takes Up Less Space Than Fat (Yes, Really)

One of the most important concepts that almost no one explains clearly is this:

A pound of muscle takes up less space than a pound of fat.

That means you could:

Stay the exact same weight
Build muscle
Lose fat
And end up wearing a smaller clothing size

Your body weight alone tells you almost nothing about your health or your appearance.

Which brings me to one of the biggest lies women have been sold…

The “Just Diet It Off” Fallacy

So many women are told to:

Eat in a calorie deficit
Count macros
Lose weight with the assumption that there’s a solid layer of muscle hiding underneath the fat — and once the fat is gone, the muscle will magically appear.

But what if that muscle was never built in the first place?

If you don’t have adequate underlying muscle, dieting doesn’t reveal it — it just makes you smaller, softer, and often more metabolically fragile.

In many cases, muscle must be built first, which often requires:

Eating at or above maintenance calories
Lifting progressively heavier weights
Doing this consistently for a fairly long period of time

Only then does a “cut” actually reveal anything worth revealing.

We talked about this in a previous newsletter because it’s that important.

Being Too Lean Is Not a Health Goal for Most Women

Another uncomfortable truth: being overly lean is often not supportive of women’s health.

Adequate body fat is not a failure — it’s a signal of safety to the body.

Body fat supports:

Regular menstrual cycles
Fertility
Hormone production
Energy availability

When body fat gets too low, especially combined with under-fueling and over-training, the body interprets this as a crisis. And when the body is in crisis, it redirects resources away from “non-essential” functions — like reproduction.

If you are trying to get pregnant and you are already thin or average weight, this is not the time to chase fat loss.

My Very Unscientific Muscle Test (But It Tells Me a Lot)

Here’s my low-key, totally unscientific way of assessing muscle mass in the office.

I see if I can get a cup to suction properly to your upper scapula.

The shoulder blade is a flat bone with ridges. Cups don’t stick to bone — they need the softness of muscle tissue underneath. If you have adequate upper body muscle (which usually correlates with adequate lower body muscle, since women tend to train legs more), there’s something there for the cup to hold onto.

If I consistently struggle to get cups to adhere to the traps and upper back, it can be a sign that someone is under-muscled.

Unscientific? Absolutely.
Useful? Surprisingly, yes.

Why Being Too Small Can Be a Problem Long-Term

Bone Health (For Everyone)

For both men and women, bone health is driven by mechanical load.

Bone is not inert. It’s a living organ that responds to stress — specifically, the pull of muscle and tendon on bone.

Strength training with heavy weights:

Stimulates bone growth
Improves bone density and strength
Reduces fracture risk later in life

Generally speaking, the more muscle you carry, the more stimulus your bones receive.

Remember the tiny, very thin grandmother who was bent over like a C in her 80s? That posture didn’t come from nowhere. It often comes from decades of under-loading the skeleton and under-fueling the body.

Fertility (For Women)

When body fat drops too low, fertility often drops with it.

The body prioritizes survival over reproduction. If energy availability is low, ovulation can stop. Periods can disappear. Hormones shift.

If fertility is a goal, strength, nourishment, and adequate body fat are assets — not liabilities.

Lift the Damn Weights (Seriously)

The single best thing I can encourage you to do — other than eat enough protein — is to lift some damn weights.

And I don’t mean 5s and 10s forever.

You start where you start:

Bodyweight work
Light dumbbells
Home workouts

That’s fine.

But eventually, you need more load.

That may mean:

Adjustable dumbbells
A barbell and rack
Or joining a gym

And don’t worry — no one is watching you. Everyone is far too obsessed with themselves.

This is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

You’ll feel:

Strong
Capable
More confident
Slightly embarrassed you didn’t try sooner

Your body will feel better. Your stamina will improve. Some chronic aches may disappear. Your shape will change — shoulders more defined, waist more stable, legs stronger.

You will get injured at some point. You will rehab and keep going. That’s part of being an athlete — and yes, lifting weights makes you one.

Am I Lifting Heavy Enough?

If You’re in a Gym

If you:

Understand and apply progressive overload
Know what reps in reserve means
Train close to failure intentionally

You’re probably lifting heavy enough.

If You’re Training at Home

I strongly encourage investing in adjustable dumbbells that go up to at least 50 lbs each.

You can apply progressive overload at home — especially as a beginner — but eventually you will need more weight.

What Is Progressive Overload?

Progressive overload means gradually increasing the demands placed on your muscles over time.

That can look like:

Increasing weight
Increasing reps
Increasing sets
Improving control and range of motion

The goal is continued adaptation.

A Simple Starter Program

Here’s a basic full-body structure you can do three times per week using dumbbells.

Goblet Squat
25 lb dumbbell, 3 sets of 8–10 reps
alternating with
Dumbbell Overhead Press
15 lb dumbbells, 3 sets of 10–12 reps

Dumbbell Deadlift
Two 25 lb dumbbells, 3 sets of 10–12 reps
alternating with
Bent Over Row
15–20 lb dumbbell, 3 sets of 10–12 reps per side

If this feels easy — you need more weight.

These compound lifts hit most major muscle groups. Additional exercises can be layered in as time and goals allow:

Lunges
Sumo squats
Single-leg RDLs
Biceps curls
Triceps extensions
Push-ups
Pull-ups
Lat pulldowns

Once you can hit 12–15 reps consistently at a given weight, increase the load and drop the reps back down. That’s progressive overload.

Don’t take it from me. Try it.

Frequently Asked Questions About Lifting Heavy for Women

Will lifting heavy make me bulky?

No. Building significant muscle mass requires years of intentional training, sufficient calories, and often favorable genetics. Most women struggle to build muscle — not accidentally overbuild it.

What does “lifting heavy” actually mean?

Lifting heavy means using weights that challenge you within a rep range where you’re close to failure — typically leaving 1–3 reps in reserve.

Is strength training safe for women?

Yes. When done with proper progression and technique, strength training reduces injury risk, improves bone density, and supports long-term health.

How often should I lift weights?

Most women do well with 2–4 strength training sessions per week, depending on recovery, goals, and schedule.

Do I need to go to a gym?

No, but you will eventually need enough weight to continue progressing. This can be done at home with the right equipment or in a gym.

Can I lift heavy during perimenopause or menopause?

Not only can you — you should. Strength training is one of the most powerful tools for supporting bone, muscle, metabolism, and independence as we age.

What if I’m afraid of injury?

Injury risk exists in any physical activity. Strength training, when progressed intelligently, actually reduces injury risk by strengthening muscles, joints, and connective tissue.

What’s the biggest takeaway?

If you want to be strong, lean, resilient, and capable as you age, lifting heavy weights is not optional. It’s foundational.

Start where you are. Progress intentionally. Eat enough. And stop being afraid of muscle — it’s one of the greatest assets you can build.